I had already worked a 45 hour week, with another 9 hours to go the next day. I was looking forward to a walk by the sea, along my favourite boardwalk, inhaling the ocean air and tree scent, as I watched the sun go down, while anticipating my dinner of fresh hoki and delicious chips and lashings of tomato sauce. 40 minutes to go and I could cheerily wave goodbye to my work colleagues until 9am the next day. The countdown was on. 30 minutes to go and the phone call came and my heart dropped. Could I stay on until the 10pm close as the person replacing me was unable to make it due to a sick child?
Every part of me was screaming NO!
It is so hard to say 'no'. I still find myself wanting to be liked by others. I want to be respected by others too. I don't want people to think I am selfish and 'Yes' seems a really easy way to extend a compassionate hand to help out a colleague. In that split second on the phone, I was in a turmoil of reasons where saying 'Yes' was the best thing for me - they could help me out later, the extra money would be useful, I didn't really need to take a walk during that glorious sunset after all. They would like me. All fantastic reasons to say yes, apart from one.
Despite my best attempts over the years to not care what other people think of me, I still want to be liked. Problem is I was starting to not like myself. I was letting myself down as my generosity to others was not being extended to generosity to self. I was also starting to resent the fact that I seemed to be always the one that was asked to go the extra mile because I was always the one to say 'Yes'. I was putting in more and more hours and was starting to resent the exhaustion that was happening - and the missed sunsets. I was entering the murky and stressed out waters of burnout.
So how can we feel more comfortable about saying 'No' when the reasons are purely for ourselves and our own health of mind and body?
1.    A simple phrase like: ‘Sorry, that won’t work for me this time’ is a gentle way to say no. Having this in our minds as our 'go to' response for when people ask for favours that we don't want to give, will help us to be ready to use it when the need arises and allow us to be consistent with our original intentions. Have a little practise of this phrase and imagine how and when you will use it – by practising you are already more comfortable!Â
2.     Be clear in your refusal. Be your own best friend – in fact I imagine you would advise your best friend to do and say the same thing! Your wants and needs are very important and you need to acknowledge this within yourself first. Saying no will be easier when there is clarity behind the refusal.Â
3.    Be honest. You can be vague but be truthful – 'I have plans sorry'. No need to justify or embellish the plans, or furnish them with too much information. No need for complicating the moment with white lies and further stress. You don’t need the other person coming up with a solution for you either! This further muddles your original decision.
4.    Your decision is your decision. It would be easy to back down when somebody is pushing you harder. You can apologise but stick to your guns saying that it won’t work for you, or whatever you have already said – repeat the phrase. Stick to your decision. Maybe acknowledge that you understand they are needing you to step in, but keep in mind that it is upsetting your plans and they are creating a tough spot in turn for you!
5.    Keep focused on your own plans and needs. Your brain needs to recognise that and look at what you will gain by the ‘No’. It may be happiness, peace, energy, recharge, space, scenery change etc. Changing your mind to a 'Yes' will give your brain the perception that you have lost something (your choice) and that will not make you happy. That causes resentment and generally a grumpy disposition!
So my hastily made up reply was 'Oh sorry, that won't work for me tonight as I have plans' and I waited for the response, wincing in anticipation. 'Never mind' came the reply, 'my husband will do it. See ya tomorrow'.
Phew. It was that easy!