A Letter To My 40 Year Old Self

It was my 40th birthday. Boy oh boy did we have a hooley! I hired out a small restaurant in the countryside and on the invitation to the 150 guests was a nod to my 20 year old self from a university day event - fancy dress - toga style.

Things were going so well for me. I was living with my family in a wonderful home on a large block of land with beautiful gardens and cattle grazing. My children were at that gorgeous stage of childhood where their mother is still rather influential and somehow very cool as well! My business was going very, very well, after a rather stuttering start. I was involved in musical theatre and had met some crazy but wonderful people through that. I enjoyed my level of fitness and classes at the gym. I was involved in the school PTA committee.  We had some great experiences during holidays throughout New Zealand and the South Pacific. I loved every part of my life. Even my car - my first BMW - I had the birthday cake decorated with the BMW logo!

We danced so much and so hard that night. You know those nights where the guests rekindled old friendships and laughter was everywhere. Plenty of singing and story telling and imbibing. We talked about it for months.

Who would have foretold that only 18 months later, that idyllic life I had, so confident, so forward looking, would crumble? That it would take hard graft to get through the day? That I would consider going onto medication? That I would only be able to be on automatic, without finding any pleasure in what was around me?

That moment arrived with the shock that still can reverberate through my being if I let it. That feeling of carpet being swept out from under my feet. The enormous weight loss, the loss in faith of myself, of marriage, of trusting of others to whom you had thought you would give your life? Well that is a little over the top, but the trusting of others with whom I sure did have their back, and thought they had mine.

So now I am well past my 50th birthday and I can say that there is so much for the 40 year old me to know. And sitting by the sea, with a sweating glass of iced latte, in Dublin, Ireland of all places, I have some heartfelt communications for the me that I was back over 10 years ago. And maybe they will help someone reading too.

* It is shit, but you will get through.

* The path you are on has cross roads and no choice is the wrong choice.

* Gossip can hurt - step back and notice that everybody has a point of view that is different to your own. Seek first yourself, then the approval of others. This is called your truth. What they say really can’t stick!

* Song lyrics will leap out at you and make you bawl in the most inconvenient places and times.

* Your children are wonderful little people. Keep going for them. You love them to the ends of the world. They know more than you tell them. It will be tough on you all.

* If you stray from the crowd, you will eventually find a different tribe. On the way you may feel alone. This is the time to be friends with yourself. Enjoy that time. Not many people at your 40th will be at your 50th.

* Some people may have had their time with you and it is now time to let them go, to walk their own path. Wish them well. Have courage to walk your own path. People will continue to come and go through your lifetime. Learn from them.

* Cliche alert: What doesn't kill you makes your stronger.

* You will be consumed by the need to buy personal growth books, at first to 'fix' others, then eventually as you discover some deep inner need for your own evolution and growth. Finding yourself and really knowing who you are means letting go of who you think you are. Labels are not really 'you'.

* There are thousands of personal growth books out there.

* Millenials have up to and more than 5 different careers in their life-time - you can too! And the career you may end up in may not even have a title yet! This is bloody exciting!!

* Loving yourself, caring for yourself is not selfish. It fills the cup to overflowing and you can share that with others. Only then can it be shared. Place your oxygen mask on yourself first, then help others.

* Intuition is a wonderful thing but can speak quietly. You can learn to listen to it and follow it. Don't let anybody 'gaslight' you into doubting your own mental and intuitive capacity. Fear could get in the way but if you turn that around to courage and curiosity you can be unstoppable. Coaching is invaluable. Therapy optional.

* Let nobody make you small. Stand strong - even if you don't really feel like it. Literally I mean, stand up and take that Wonder Woman pose. And let nobody make you feel small.

* Get batshit angry! Let that shit out. Write the letter and get it out. Let the tears and snot flow. Write and write and write. Storm against the world! Shake and shake if you can. Then burn the letter or rip it up and release it down a stream or onto the tide. Holding in the anger is not good for your physical health.

* There will be many tears and much snot.

* Don't fight 'it'. Let it go. Surrender. Knowing what surrender means takes ages. And then you may not even be sure you really know what 'it' is.

* You will find out what depression and anxiety feels like.  And you will find out how to come out of it.

* Stop trying to be everything to everyone. There are no moulds anymore, no need to conform. You are free to be the you that you want to be.

* You will always be enough. You will always have enough – and that is going to be waaaay less than what you think you need.  You can inspire others. Although you may need more books.

* You may be surprised at what you want to keep as you step into this new life (should have taken the vegetable steamer), and what you can easily let go.

* Nostalgia can be a bitch that sends you down an emotional tunnel for days at a time. And the dream changes and morphs to something different, but that is ok.

* You are safe. You may cry a river of tears, but that river is safe and healing for you. You will know when you are done with the crying.

* Any decision is a good one.  It is worse to make no decision at all. The best ones are the no-brainers where you heart is aligned with your gut intuition and your head logic.

* Be excited as to ‘what now?’ Who might you meet that shines a light for you? Who might you meet and what experience may you have that confirms something or changes your perspective. Be open minded.

* Don’t stop dreaming.  Don't stop learning.

* A lot of stuff doesn’t make sense right now – what the hell is ‘your truth’, ‘stand strong’, ‘heal’, ‘love yourself’. It will make sense eventually.

* Walk your truth. Speak your truth. You are bloody beautiful and your potential has only been kick started. Yes, it was a shock, but you have started.

* You suit togas. You also look great in a bikini.

You did nothing wrong. 

It is all perfect to get you to here, by this Irish sea, today. Your spirit shines through. 

I love you.