Feeding The Self To Feed The Others

Years ago I felt like an empty vase. I had spent a long time caring for somebody who was not refilling my own reserves - the energy was going one way only. It got to a point where I thought that I could not give any more - that the sapping of my energy was too much. The vase was empty, cracked and the flowers in it were dying. Turns out that I wasn't very good at care of myself.

Self care is a crazy concept isn't it! We have had so much of our lives being told to be unselfish towards others putting ourselves second. We have been told that the not sharing of time or things or thoughts is selfish. But what happens when you start to resent the selfless efforts you put in for others? When you start to run out of oomph, when your reserves run dry.

So when I suggest that we ‘indulge’ in self care what comes to mind? Maybe a manicure, a spa, a massage or those privileges that wealthy women with loads of time and money on their hands do, darhling! Maybe a spot of shopping for expensive fragrance, chocolate or lotions to soothe your poor frazzled deserving self. The advertising and other marketing puts the act of ‘self care’ in the basket of those living as the ‘other half’. 

That is not what self care is.  

Self care is standing up for yourself. 

For saying that you want to go to bed at 8.30pm, because you need to. For saying no to the 'taxi pick up' request when a bus ride will get them home. For sitting in the sun and reading, with a cup of tea. For speaking up for yourself when the debate around which takeaways are going to be ordered – you want fish and chips – say so! Maybe cuddling the cat for ten minutes or enjoying an ice-cream on a hot day. An hour in meditation or jumping around in a Zumba class. For saying and doing what it is that you need to be healthy for your mind and body. 

Self care needs strength. You must find your voice. You need to have your boundaries in place, and be able to understand that the priority of your life is you, because when your vase is full of caring for yourself, you will be able to care for the others, that you choose to care for. This is something that many women find they have blurred the lines about. They have spent so much time being all they can to the family, extended family, work, the various committees, and the dog, that they are simply tired and their vase of care is now empty. That feeling of not coping, not being supported and being used.

Sometimes self care means you have to be a bit stern with yourself. That little voice that suggests that you take the opportunity of a lovely warm morning by walking by the sea or through the trees – versus the voice telling you to get the vacuuming done and the shower cleaned. It is the drinking of water because you simply don’t want to drink wine at that dinner party and your ability to make that clear.   It is taking control of your finances and becoming independent. It is being able to step back and let others pull themselves out of their problems. This is not selfish! This will empower the other people and be caring of your own energy. Sure show empathy but you don't have to take charge.

Yes it is difficult to say NO. But you can find a way to do it gently, keeping in mind the fantastic reason behind this need - YOU

When you find the energy and vitality that you have been giving away, you become a happier person. You will be a more fun person and find that optimism that was perhaps feeling quite diminished or even extinguished. You will be able to be more present at work or within the family. You will feel stronger and more joyful in providing the care of others.

Self care is a practise that needs doing every day – not every month or during a crisis. It doesn’t have to involve the outlay of lots of money, but if an appointment at the spa is what works for you, do it. You will benefit everybody by making a commitment to staying healthy and balanced, and putting yourself first.

Just like on the aeroplane, put your own oxygen mask on first, before attending to others. This is self care and it is vital if you are to live a strong purposeful life, free of resentment and feeling worn out.

I often see women who feel they have lost their voice. They feel small and powerless and pulled in all directions, except the one they really want to go in. They may feel they need to speak up regarding family matters, or start something they have always wanted to do. Maybe even a career change - but something always comes first and their own needs come last. We sure can sort that out! Grow that little inner voice into something that gets heard, yet balanced with empathy and sensitivity.

You can change this. You must change this. The world needs you in your full power and energy.