How Gratitude Helped A Broken Heart

I was balling my eyes out. The shower was running warm water over my back and I was crouched in a ball of emotional pain in the corner of the floor. I didn’t know how my body could release such great sobs and how deeply they could be coming from.

Another day of shit. Nothing was seeming to make this relationship any better. It was a car wreck. 

I had lost 11kg within 5 weeks, I was still trying to work almost full time, I had two gorgeous little kids to keep on an even keel (sob, even now), and my dream of ‘happy ever after’ had forever shifted, like a carpet being yanked from under my feet.

My emotions were on high alert, I was not relaxed – my vigilance was on high alert too and my seemingly idyllic and well planned life suddenly was not turning out so. My well known characteristic of optimism was severely challenged.

Medication was prescribed to help me through yet I was loathe to use it (typical Pharmacist), but sometimes I took half of a Diazepam tablet to take the edge off my worry and shaking. 

I had to do something different. Chasing the fires to put them out wasn’t working. The only person I could do anything with was myself at that moment.

The next day I was in a bookshop and I found a lovely leather type bound diary. It was called a Gratitude Diary.  Something made me buy it and then read what to do. 

It said I was to write down 3 to 5 things that I was grateful for. Pfft. Gratitude in my life? What on earth could I find to be grateful for?

So I started that evening at bedtime. I think the first things I wrote was that I was really grateful for my car and that it went really well and was dependable. Then I was grateful that the roads were well maintained by somebody so that I could drive on them. Then I was grateful that I had eyes that could read. Meh.

That’s it. Nothing changed. No rainbows or glitter magically appeared. 

The next day I put in another entry. Ummm. I’m grateful for having some cool shoes to wear to work today. That the kids were so good (lump in my throat here), and that our dinner was ‘nice’ that night.

Still no rainbows, glitter, fairies. Or changed relationship.

I continued for about 10 days doing this diary. It seemed so stupid. I was faking gratitude. But then a change happened. I was writing that I really enjoyed a coffee made for me. And my heart came on board. I was really grateful for that coffee. In fact so fricken grateful that somebody knew me enough to make it without me asking, in a way that I loved, and serve it to me with a smile, that tears came to my eyes.  Suddenly I was writing other stuff that I was really grateful for. And there was loads. Yes, I was still grateful for my car, but this time my heart was grateful and when it came to my children, omg, the tears were flowing. This time the tears weren’t of pain, but of gratitude (and there is a scientific difference apparently). I wrote two pages of amazing things. My heart was pouring the gratitude out onto the page, like it had control of the pen.

And that is when the rainbows appeared. The next day the world seemed brighter and I noticed a gorgeous display of wild flowers on a hillside. The sky was bluer and people seemed to smile more. I got car parks (my parking fairy was back on my team). I was being grateful immediately for anything that came along and it was suddenly so easy.

A customer bought ME a coffee – wow! That was a first!

Gratitude is now the foundation of my daily practice. It orients me towards the good stuff in life, allowing the not so cool stuff to be diminished. I instantly notice more and more good things.

To learn to pull gratitude from the head space down into the heart space takes a little bit of practice but it can be done and when the heart is a grateful heart, it speaks to the head and asks it to notice more and more to make it even more grateful.

Right now I am grateful for my laptop and that I can type in this lovely warm coffee shop, on a watery spring day. That I have dinner sorted for and that I look forward to the company of my Irishman, after work. My heart is skipping around in gratitude and there is a light smile on my face. That is all it takes.

I am eternally grateful for that gratitude diary and sticking with it. Did it fix the relationship? Ultimately no, but it did help me navigate through the early uncertain days with a lighter heart and happier spirit. It was a key part of my personal healing.

Never underestimate the power of gratitude.

Thanks for reading. I am grateful!