Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Just like Elton sang all those years ago, sorry seems to be the hardest word. So why does that little word seem to be so difficult to articulate? A simple word that makes grown women or men, able to speak about anything in front of their family or hundreds of people, weak at the knees and not able actually dredge out from themselves?

We know that relationships have their ups and downs and sometimes you can certainly put your foot in it without realising what is was that caused the upset in the other person.  Suddenly there are no snuggles on the couch, no gentle conversation and no touching.

And while it is not always your fault, there are definitely times when giving a sincere apology is really helpful and allows the relationship to continue. And here is why.

1. An apology is an indication that you are not right all of the time and that you are able to acknowledge that.

2. The act of apology can make clear that you are concerned about your partner’s welfare. This is a basic yet fundamental point that needs to be made over and over in a relationship.

3. An apology is key to de-escalating conflict.

You see, the way we act is seen and interpreted in a different way, by our partner and although you may have not done anything overtly ‘wrong’, the problem is the fact that your partner is upset – how they related this to their sense of feeling loved and okay. Usually you are not wanting to hurt that other person, yet something gets their alarm buttons firing and they are upset.

So when is the 'S' word appropriate? Short and easy answer.....when you become aware that your partner is truly wounded, ruffled or agitated, in response to something you have said or done. 

If you are not sincerely sorry, talk about it. At least be interested in your partner and find out why there is sudden agitation. The worst thing to do is to jump to your own defence and blame the other person for causing the uproar.

Saying sorry isn’t always easy, so here are some tips:

1. The best way to apologise is as soon as you realise that somebody is upset on accord of your actions. The longer you wait to apologise, the longer you prolong a conflict.

2. An apology has to be real. Sarcasm won’t work either! Don’t say you’re sorry if you don’t mean it. Make sure that it is from the heart – that you are sorry the other person has had cause for upset. That other person has to feel like they are really being apologised to. Being sincere is surely a no-brainer.  Instead, it shows that you recognise your actions hurt another (usually without intention), accept responsibility, and are willing to change.

3. Be genuinely interested in why your partner is hurt; try asking some questions about why they feel the way they feel and what would make them feel better.

4. Take full responsibility for hurting your partner’s feelings, and explain what you might do differently to avoid doing the same thing in the future.

5. Stand by what you say. If you realise that something you have said or done has caused a distress for that other person and you say you will try to not do it again, don’t do it again. An accepted apology can suddenly turn very hollow when the words are not followed up by the action.

Don’t think of an apology as winning or losing. 

So many people want to win the fight or be seen as being right. But saying the words ‘I’m sorry’ when the line has been crossed is not the same as saying, ‘You are right in this situation’.  You are sorry for the effect on that other person.

An apology simply means that you value the relationship more than your ego.

And here is the kicker. Sometimes just saying sorry once isn’t enough and you may have to suck it up and say it a couple of times. The other person may be feeling anger and in the simmering down of that is not really able to hear your heart felt words.

A ‘proper’ apology is 12 times more likely to generate forgiveness from the recipient.  Now isn’t that a great reason to say sorry? So much more pleasant than the shutdown of a relationship that you had no intention of destroying!

Stop wasting time. Say sorry. Get back that valuable time that is otherwise wasted by staunchly defending your 'position'. Save unneeded angst, anger and stress. Get back to smiles and quality of relationship.

And what better way to know that all is well again, than to snuggle on the couch!

I am Paula Ralph, a health, life and mBIT coach. Sometimes coaching is all it takes to get life back on track again!